At Which Point?
by subwaytonowhere
Summary: Dez is so in love with Austin that he physically cannot stand it. But when he starts to distance himself, Austin takes offense. Unable to explain, Dez becomes even more frustrated. Angsty Deztin with unrequited love. May possibly continue in the future, but I haven't decided yet.


**A/N: This story is an organized mess. I saw some posts on Tumblr about Deztin and suddenly I was struck with the desire to write Deztin just because I haven't in a long time and so I opened up a new Word Document and began writing. I had no idea where this was going, but I wanted to write Deztin, so I wrote Deztin. It ended up being really angsty, so sorry about that, I guess. But just know that this isn't my most polished writing. It was simply written to be written. **

**I do not own any of the characters or the setting. Just the words of the story themselves. **

**Enjoy.**

* * *

_ At which point do you love a person so much that it turns to hate?_

Austin, Austin, Austin.

Austin Monica Moon.

Austin Moon, the pop star.

Austin Moon, his best friend.

Austin Moon, his _straight_ best friend.

Austin Moon, a grade-A-life-ruiner.

Austin Moon, the one he couldn't walk away from.

* * *

Dez's mind felt like a broken record these days. Or maybe, more like a scratched CD. An iPod with a strange glitch. His thoughts would loop around endlessly. He'd tried everything short of drugs or alcohol to make them go away, to distract himself. But somehow, his thoughts always seemed to return to one thing: _Austin_.

He knew that it was wrong to feel this way about someone he cared about so deeply. If Austin were to find out, or if someone were to find out and tell Austin, he'd be screwed.

So, he'd been trying. He'd desperately been trying to get over Austin, but after a few months of trying, it seemed impossible.

Shaggy blonde hair. Dreamy brown eyes. A sharp jawline. A tight-lipped smile. Those muscular arms. Dez knew exactly why Austin's female fans lusted after him so much, if there was ever any question.

Because Dez loved him too.

But Austin was straight. With each time that Austin proudly called Dez his best friend, Dez realized that Austin would never love him. For Austin, their relationship would never be anything but platonic.

But for Dez, their relationship would never be able to be that way. Dez would never be able to see Austin as just a friend.

And Dez hated him for it.

He hated Austin for being so attractive. So funny. So talented. So perfect.

Sometimes, when Dez felt lonely, he'd put one of Austin's CDs on. He'd pretend that Austin was singing the love songs to him. But it never worked, because Dez knew that each song was being sung about an invisible girl and marketed to the adolescent girls of the world.

Dez had stopped listening to the radio, because he would keep finding songs that made him think of Austin somehow. There was a time when he'd find that enjoyable. But now it just made him depressed as hell.

Every night, he loathed going to sleep. Because, invariably, he'd dream about Austin. In his dreams, they'd always be happy and in love, sharing romantic movie dates in the park (like the one that Austin and Kira had once shared, but this time not being a total disaster) and hugs and kisses and even great sex.

But then he'd wake up.

Dez hated life. Dez hated himself.

And he also hated Austin.

He hated Austin for being so irresistible.

Dez knew he wasn't a special snowflake. He knew that everyone had felt that way at one time or another. If they hadn't, they would at some point.

But it didn't make the experience any less painful.

It was truly becoming unbearable. Even standing in the same room as Austin made him feel as though he would explode. There was the constant fear that he would slip up and do something stupid, like kiss him or even admit to liking him. But then there was the anger that Austin would never love Dez the way that Dez loved him.

And it drove him nuts.

So finally, Dez decided that he needed time away.

If he wanted to survive, he'd need some time away.

* * *

"Dez…Dez…Dez…are you there?"

"Huh?" Dez said, blinking hard. He was standing in Sonic Boom, lost in thought, and now Ally was trying to talk to him.

"Yeah?" Dez said.

"Austin's having a surprise concert tonight at the mall. You wanna come?"

"No thanks."

Ally's face was a mixture of shock and concern.

"There isn't anything going on between you two, is there?"

_Yes, _Dez thought.

"No. I'm just feeling sick. I think I'm going to go home."

"I guess you look like of pale. Don't worry about it. I'll let Austin know you can't make it. I'm sure he'll understand."

_If only he did, then things wouldn't have to be this way._

"Thanks."

Dez turned and left the store without a second thought. He walked home, which wasn't that far from the mall, and laid down in his room. The same broken thoughts played around in his mind, and finally he fell asleep.

He dreamed of Austin yet again. In his dream, they had a son. Their son was the most spoiled boy in the world, and they were all happy.

A few hours later, he woke up to the sound of giggling. In the next room over, Didi and Chuck seemed to be goofing around. Dez thought back to his dream, feeling the familiar sadness beginning to wash over him.

He hated it. And he hated sitting here and listening to Didi and Chuck next door getting to live the happiness that he could only dream of.

"Didi!" Dez yelled.

"What?" Didi yelled back.

"I'm going out."

"Oh," Didi said, sounding a little calmer. "See you when you get back."

Dez stood up from his bed, walking out the door. He'd decided that he was going to go to this quiet little diner across town. A milkshake, if only a temporary fix, was what he wanted.

He walked to the nearest bus stop. It would take forever to walk to the diner, so he was just going to take a bus instead. Three buses passed before the right one pulled up.

Dez pulled the little plastic metro card out of his wallet. He fell into line, stepping up into the bus when it was his turn. He tapped his card to the little circular sensor, and then took a seat.

The bus ride was rough, but forty minutes later, he was near the diner. He got off the bus and walked up the street, walking into the diner.

The joint was open for 24 hours, but it was practically deserted in the later hours, as was the case tonight. A brunette girl stood at the counter organizing milkshake glasses, which was probably out of boredom rather than necessity.

Dez walked up to the counter and sat down at one of the barstools. The cherry red vinyl squeaked slightly as he sat down. When the brunette girl caught sight of him, she put down her glass and walked over to him.

"What can I get you?" she asked.

"A banana milkshake, please," Dez said.

"You got it," she said. She went right over to the milkshake machine and began to make Dez's milkshake. In a few minutes, it was done. She loaded up the top with whipped cream, dropping a cherry on the top of it. Then, she set it down in front of Dez.

"Thanks," he said.

"No problem," she said. "Hey, I know it's probably none of my business, but I can tell something's bothering you and I—"

"Want to know if I want to talk about it," Dez said. Then, he took a sip of his milkshake. It tasted like a Banana-flavored Laffy Taffy in liquid form. It reminded Dez of when he and Austin would by the ones in long ropes and share them…

No, he couldn't think this way. It would only make him hurt more.

"Yeah," she said. "I'm bored, and I really don't want to go back to organizing the same glasses for the hundredth time."

"I'm in love with my best friend," Dez said. He thought that he would regret it, but to his surprise, he didn't. There was something about admitting it to a total stranger that was kind of freeing.

"Aww," the waitress said. But then, her smile faded. "Is that not a good thing?"

Dez shook his head.

"Why not?"

"He's male and straight."

"Oh."

"Yeah. It just hurts so bad."

"I know."

"It's like I can't be around him anymore or I'll explode."

"Ouch."

"Yeah. I skipped out on his concert tonight…I just couldn't do it."

Dez took another sip of his milkshake. He'd been sipping it unconsciously for the past few minutes. Dez was surprised to discover that half of his shake was gone.

A bell jingled. That meant that there was a customer coming in. Or maybe a few. Dez wasn't looking, but he could hear chattering. There was a group.

"I've got to go take care of them. Hang tight."

The brunette girl skirted around the counter, going to the booth where the group was now sitting. Dez tried to push everything from his mind and focused on finishing his shake. Within another couple of minutes, it was gone.

Dez didn't want to go home, but he couldn't stay. There was a sign on the wall that warned against loitering. Dez didn't want another milkshake either. He only liked the banana ones, but the taste made him think about Austin too much.

"Dez?" a voice said.

He turned around.

Austin was standing there, in the middle of the diner, Ally and Trish sitting in a booth.

He didn't look happy.

"Austin…" Dez said.

"Sick, huh?" Austin said.

Dez stood up, slapping a 20$ bill on the counter. It was too much for his shake, but Dez didn't care.

"You don't understand," Dez said.

"What? What don't I understand? Lately, it's like you've been avoiding me."

"That's because I have."

"You don't get to do this. You don't get to shut me out without telling me why."

Dez walked around Austin and out of the diner, aware that he was not only being watched by Austin, but also Trish, Ally, and the brunette girl.

The street smelled like food and diesel. Cars rushed around him, seemingly having somewhere to be. Dez continued walking back towards the bus stop. He had to go home.

"Dez!" Austin yelled behind him. Dez tensed up and kept walking. But it was no use. Austin ran up behind him, forcing him to turn around and look at him. "Answer my question…please."

Dez moved in close to Austin's ear, speaking in a whisper so quiet that only Austin could hear it.

"I love you so much…" Dez said. "But I hate you so much, too."

"What?" Austin said.

Dez didn't answer this time. Instead, he turned around and began to run.

"Dez!" Austin begged, "please come back and explain!"

But Dez couldn't.

He continued to run.

Part of it was because he didn't have a good enough explanation right now, at least not one presentable to Austin. But the other part was because he hurt so much inside that he wanted to punish Austin, because there was no other way that he could get Austin to understand.

He wanted to kiss Austin.

He wanted to punch Austin.

_At which point do you love a person so much that it turns to hate?_


End file.
